I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
