Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
