P.S. I can't hear my feet
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
