Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
