she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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