I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
