I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
