That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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