made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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