it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
