She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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