I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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