How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
