Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
