I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
