I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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