really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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