Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize