By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
