How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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