when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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