More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
