Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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