I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
