proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
