ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
