Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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