do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
