it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
