if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
