Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
