Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
