There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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