Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
