You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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