My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
