I could make wine with my vomit
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
