By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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