I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
