I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize