oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
