Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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