Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize