she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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