woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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