We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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