I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
