Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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