I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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