Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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