when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Blood and glitter go together right?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
