Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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