Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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