Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
