Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
