Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
