12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
