Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
