Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
