I am midnight drunk by noon
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
