Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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