we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
