god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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