guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just cut my nipple shaving
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
