never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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