woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
