I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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